Friday, November 19, 2010

Feelings From The Three Years

I write this to you to express my feelings from the three years. Like everyone else in this world I have been happy, sad, angry, frustrated, lost, confused, etc… Some days I feel like I am on top of the world, other days I am feeling like the world is going to end. I had planned this all out, I was going to tell the world how much you hurt me, how you ruined my life and how I did not want you to be in any part of my life. I was going to even go so far as to even tell your sister, because I wanted someone in your world to know what you have done to me. Do you know how many therapy sessions I went to? Do you know how many countless nights I had crying myself to sleep listening to Day26 – Over Now and Elise Estrada – Crash and Burn? Do you know how many times I tried to go out with someone else only to have you lurking at the back of my mind? What do you do about all this? You just continually assume things about me, keep going out with one person after another even though you know full well you carry a lot of baggage and worse of all, you think you are still my friend yet you do not respect me enough to tell me anything going on in your life. You think that I am a ten year old - that will cry to my mother if I found out you are going out with someone else besides me. I guess I will always be too immature in your eyes that I cannot be genuinely happy for you being with someone else. The fact of the matter is, if someone truly made you happy at that time, could you not share that with your closest friends? No instead you keep it this huge military secret and I always end up finding out the hard way.

However, this is not going to be theme I will be writing about to you. Why did I have a change of heart? You better believe I have an incredible best friend that shows me by example how to be different than the rest of the world in a good way. She knows how much I have thought about you, talked about you and cried about you. Though you and I have talked this through in the past, it never would have thought it would affect me so much till this day. So what did you do to me exactly? I will not be mean and tell the world what you did. However, I still have fears of waiting outside a condo, get sad when I hear your name and hate a certain hockey team from Alberta with a passion. Okay, enough is enough…

Instead of focusing on you so much, let me examine the flaws I have done. Some of the bigger moments from the last three years: I leased a car I probably should not have, went out with several people that ended up in a nightmare and moved out from my parents to hopefully live a better life. In the past year, I got laid off three times, lost in all my sports activities and got completely fed up of some people who feel they are entitled to things. Some days I was scared to not even have food in the fridge to feed myself. From all these experiences, I have been very blessed, humbled and grateful to have learned and grown from it. I am a very hard worker, learn to spend wisely, be grateful of my close friends and family, never take anything for granted, communicate with others, found work from home employment, started my own company and gained a greater appreciation for God. Without him, I would not be here and have a bright future ahead of me. Without him, I would not have had you in my life who changed me for the better. I would have not cared about school, doing very little with my life and maybe started associating myself with people like the Bacon & Sausage brothers. I still hope you remember what you have done for me and that I will always remember this more than that incident. One of my favorite moments with you was going grocery shopping with you. Never in my life have I ever felt like a real couple even though we were not. Another one was when I was about to leave for my flight back home and you packed a lot of stuff for me to take home like I was going away on a business trip. I was always hold onto these moments knowing it could happen some day with someone.

For all that my close friends have done for me, it would be a direct insult to them for me to resort to my past tactics and start flaming and calling you out for all the things you have done. Really, what would that accomplish? It would only fuel my fire for a certain period of time and then evaporate. However, the negative side would have started a fire that would have escalated and would have hurt you dearly. I realize that would not be the person I am today. Instead, I will use this outlet - called Project 2 U. It is an outlet for people to write to their loved ones but cannot for whatever reason send to the intended person.

No more calling you out, no more subtle messages about you on Facebook, no more feeling angry about the past. 2011 will be an incredible year for myself, one filled with hard work, helping others and meaningful success. One last thing, no more using you in trying to motivate me with my music. It was pretty clear it got me nowhere after all this time. Though I will probably have to go back to therapy and continually convey my thoughts to my close friends to hopefully one day put all this pain behind me. As for now, I will leave you alone. I will miss you dearly, but it is time to let it all go. After all I have said, the fact still remains this is how you treat your supposed friends. I am simply an after thought, not good enough to talk to anymore and probably in all likelihood never going to be a part of your life from this point forward.

If you read this and think this is you, message me and I can tell you more. But for now, this is how it has to end. For I have something greater to accomplish and achieve, only you can decide whether you want to be part of the experience or me being a past Project 2 U who ultimately was just another person on your list.

I'm not saying I'm the nicest, I just live like it. It takes a certain type of man to teach, to be far from hood but to understand the streets. I never threw away that moment of all the things you did to me, because you dissed me and I haven't hit the pinnacles I plan to reach. Yeah you gotta own it if you want it. Memories of the past that still haunts me until this moment. I'll never forget none of that. Now it's time to show you and the world that I'm coming back.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

To You _ I wrote this for U

Hey baby girl I wrote this for u
But this song isn't for 1, this song is for 2
I love u so much n I don't know wat to do
But wait 9 months until my other babys here
Umma be by ur side n take all of ur fears
So when u wake up u know that I am near
And i'll never let u drop, not even a single tear
But lil baby boy or lil baby girl
There's 1 thing u need to know before coming into this world
N its that me and ur mom love u with all of our hearts
n no matter wat happens we'll never be apart.....

Sunday, April 18, 2010

To: You _ You Was My Girl

You seem to avoid question with the lies in your eyes
You still never answered me why

When I asked you why you do this shit to me

you blinded my eyes that refuses to see

Your love trust forever understanding
we just ended up in a bad crash landing
You sent me up on a bliss n' such

I remember whispering in your ears that I miss you so much

I would of done anything for you just to make you see
I thought I made it clear, how important that you meant to me
Where did this shit go wrong

You make me write lonely and sad pathetic broken love songs

I was fine the day before
Now things just don’t matter no more

How did you change? making me feel so depressed

I can’t wake up no more I wish I lay in my coffin dead
How can you be so blind?

I said HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKN’ BLIND?

You don’t know the fucking shit that you did to me

You got me up in my dreams

Down on my knees 

you crying out to you wishing you'd be the one to see me

But never in my life I know it's impossible to forgive
It’s so bad that I can't live
I used to call you my baby girl

the only one who ruled my own world
Placed you high upon a pedestal
It just don’t mean any thing to you

You make me so blue, you don't even have a clue
I thought I actually knew you
I knew the places that you went and everything you do
I always held you tight 

During your own moments when you never felt right

Now I don’t know who the fuck you are

The distance between me and you is so far

I never heard anything from you for a long time
I don’t even know what’s going through your mind

We used to talk everyday

Ended each others day by being together every way
now it doesn’t make sense no matter what I say

This is crazy what happened to all our joyous days
The pain that I feel is deep
You will never comprehend exactly what you did to me
someday you’ll realize the things you said

Are going to be the words that you will forever dread

But why?
 Was it because you wanted to get with that other guy?

Some dude who came back into your life for a week
You forgot about the 2 years that you’ve been with me?
How can two years match up to a week?

Is that how much you really do see me?
Baby girl, I don’t understand you

I lost you to some bitch ass dude 
who likes to eat Asian Chinese food
Never asked much from you

Never wanted too much to see you do
You thought the relationship with you was based on sex?
If it was, I would of been the one who left
Cause the sex that I had with you was bad
It was the worst that I ever had

Fucking you was like fucking a clown

Your teeth grinded to my dick every time you went down
I stayed for the love, attention and affection that you gave me

That’s why I was with you for 2 years; can’t you see

You’re so fucking blind
You’ll never realize that I was your greatest find
I moved on and put the past behind

Everything is all forgot in my mind

Soon you will see that you’re the one who’s wrong 

When it happens it's too late cause I'm already gone.

To: You _ Stay As A Dove

Stay as a dove...don't leave like a black raven
I'll stay out of my worst ways and stop misbehaving
I know I've been bad
I took advantage of the things I had
my fault cause I just was being a guy
reasons for I do things, I still don't know why
But who cares, its time to move on in life
She was a love that cut me deeper than a knife
and now I'm here on the street
Bleedn' to death coz I took more of the apple I needed
I know I have sinned
through all the experiences I have been in
act cold cause they have been so cruel to you
Just like a mirror, I reflect back to all of them too
With karma someone's bound to get burned
So I've learned
keep your guard up and up the self esteem
Keep movin' even when you're dying right here, out on the streets
weak and wounded and fucked up man I am
Coldest soul I will forever stand
Never be the same; I'm a changed man
Fuck life; fuck love from girls
Fuck this planet and fuck the world
Don't stop me from where I destined myself to be
There's no turning back so don't talk to me
Don't ever dare to change my ways
Just hold onto your own and learn to appreciate
the choices that I choose to take
I have mad hate that I feel for this pain
Nothing makes sense and I'm going insane
I want this feeling to exit out of my brain
You think you have it all next everything's changed
Nothing seems like they can be the same way again...

Monday, April 5, 2010

To:You _ Something Much More

To put it simple, I like you, better yet... no I feel something much more than just that. A mixture of feelings that I can't seem to fathom at the moment. It's the butterflies in my stomach that gives me the chills at night whenever you feel like talking. It's the sort of breath taking adventure side that you give me whenever I lay in bed listening to your life experiences... I try to keep it cool by just hiding my feelings towards you but now that I know you like someone else after hearing all this encouragement crap from other people is just tiring, and not the kind of physically fatigued state of being but rather the emotionally ill extraneous feeling that people like me get when they know what they want to say but is just too damn lacking to take that extra step into something that could either ruin their life, or make it ten times better... I feel like I should take the risk, but then I ask myself, what next?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

To: You _ My Little One

Hi cutie pie, How is my little one doing? I thought about you today. I got mad and hurt Eeyore a while back but i fixed him... and now he has no more owies... so he sat with me today while daddy did his work. He misses you. So does pincher. Me and mommy were fighting, and she gave him to Kelly. Kelly calls him Reno now... I don't like it but there's nothing I can do about it...

Did you learn anything today? I'm learning a lot of new things.
I really don't know what to say to you... I'm going to have to live my entire life before I get to hear what you sound like. What you look like...I bet you would have grown to be very pretty.

Well at least I have a reason to believe in heaven now...
I hope that you can come and visit me sometime while I'm dreaming. I wait for you, but you never come... I know, nothing really comes anyhow... its not your fault.
okay little one... I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I was thinking of you... maybe we can go to the park tomorrow and have a walk together... hopefully the weather is nice. maybe you can bring me some sunshine?

To: You _ A Part Of Me

A few years ago, I was really into you, I was seeing you for a couple of months. Friends liked you, I definitely liked you and I thought you enjoyed spending time with me.

Though I was always concerned as you just recently got out of a long term relationship. However, I decided to take the chance, take you out for a nice romantic dinner and bought you a bouquet of flowers. I then told you my feelings...but then perhaps I was shy, or scared to be rejected, I gave you an out to say that if you weren't ready we can see how it goes or still stay friends.

A part of me always does look back to say why didn't I have more confident and be less shy when expressing my feelings and what could have been...the 'what if'....